November 12, 2006
Who is a Gentleman?
by Karmayogi
There is no equivalent term
for 'gentleman' in Tamil. A sage as a householder is known as sanror. Sanror
is defined as one who has realised, and has become quiet as a result of that
realisation. It is a quasi-religious term, whereas Gentleman is social term of
psychological magnificence. It is a European term mostly attributed to the
English aristocracy. It is said of the Englishman that he is straightforward
which is in contrast to the Frenchman who is frank. The Englishman is a man of
action while the Frenchman is one of thought. The stamp of a gentleman is
honour. To refrain from causing pain is his outstanding endeavour. One cannot
resort to lying if he ever yearns for the title of a gentleman. The gentleness
of his soul makes his outer social behaviour one of a gentleman. I shall
list several of his attributes as described by many, such as Charles Dickens.
Cardinal Newman's long definitions are of special significance. Its full
appreciation will emerge when we recollect what others we know in similar
circumstances are prone to do.
─ He is mainly
occupied in merely removing the obstacles which hinder the free and
unembarrassed action of those about him.
It means he
will readily help others without waiting for others to apply for help.
His
incapacity to inflict pain and readiness to help are both refined and accurate.
─ In giving, he
behaves as one who is receiving.
─ He concurs with
the movements of those around him rather than taking initiative.
─ Newman says a
gentleman silently confers on others like an easy chair that removes fatigue or
a fire that removes cold. He does not make his presence prominent while he
serves.
─ A true gentleman
avoids all statements that would jar on the sensitivity of others.
─ A clash of
opinion, collision of feeling, an attitude of suspicion may thus jar on others.
─ He is tender
towards the bashful.
─ He avoids topics
that might irritate.
─ He does not
thrust himself forward in conversation.
─ He is never
wearisome.
─ He makes light of
favours while he does them.
─ He never speaks
of himself unless compelled.
─ He never defends
himself by a retort.
─ Contention, he
avoids.
─ He has no ears
for slander or gossip.
─ He is scrupulous
in imputing motives to those who interfere with him.
─ He interprets
everything for the best.
─ He is never mean
or little in disputes.
─ He never mistakes
personalities or sharp saying for arguments.
─ Nor does he
insinuate evil which he does not spell out.
─ He treats his
enemies as if one day they will turn into friends.
─ He has too much
good sense to be affronted at insults.
─ He is too well
employed to remember injuries.
─ Nor can he bear
malice.
─ He is patient,
forbearing and resigned on philosophic principles.
─ He submits to
pain because it is inevitable.
─ He submits to
bereavement because it is irreparable.
─ He submits to
death because it is destiny.
─ When engaged in
controversy he does not blunder as he is endowed with a disciplined intellect.
In our own homes, elders
mostly answer to this description, especially ladies. More than saying the
right thing, higher wisdom requires NOT to say the wrong thing. For those
closely associated with the Kings of the earlier centuries, this knowledge of
self-preservation has come out of prudence. To acquire it through culture is
the outstanding trait of the human personality. To be a perfect gentleman is to
be spiritually qualified as a householder. In the best sense of the word,
gentlemanliness is spiritually awakened human life. There is no greater reward
than to live as a gentleman.
A husband and wife were in
an animated discussion about a family affair that was extremely confidential at
their dinner table. Their friend walked in and sat there of which the couple
were oblivious, but they never stopped the discussion. A minute or two later,
they came to themselves and realised the enormity of the situation and both of
them, in one voice, raised their voice in supplication to say, “We are sorry,
this news should not go out. It is extremely confidential.” In their despair
and dismay they counted on the good will of their friend and expected him to
keep confidence. He had grown up as a true gentleman and developed the
subconscious habit of NOT listening to affairs not his own. He asked them in
all innocence, “What matter?”
The behaviour of Duryodhana with Karna who broke the bead chain of his wife pulling at it hard is that of a true gentleman. Instead of being angry for Karna’s improper behaviour, Duryodhana asked, “Shall I collect the beads or string them?”
An employee some seventy
years ago began stealing from the organisation. He was fully maintained by the
voluntary organisation he worked for, his family was fed, his children
educated, his medical expenses met, his rent paid and on top of that he was
given an out-of-pocket allowance equal to the salary of a graduate at that
time. With his stolen money he bought the house he lived in. The organisation
was outraged and heaved a sigh of relief that at least from then on, one item –
the rent -- was not to be paid. But the employee demanded the rent. The
employer agreed to pay it. The employer was the Divine Mother.
A true gentleman requires
infinite patience to put up with the world whose selfish resourcefulness is
inexhaustible.