July 11, 1998
The institution of marriage is
universally accepted by most of human society and was honoured until the Second
World War. The romantic charm of the
female has exercised an unfailing influence on the male and it still remains so
now. A question can be asked whether spirituality or even mentality has
anything to do with this area. Even gods have been endowed with marital status
and romantic attraction in myths and stories.
Mother says the only joy in human life is the sexual relation. Obviously, it is a physical joy as the act itself is intensely physical. Biologically, it is one of man's conscious acts in which his own subconscious skill is greatest. From the point of view of the survival of the species, it is a very important act. The vital emotion of one person for the other, or the vital craving of the female for a child triggers the act. In the measure a person is charmed by another, it is romantically elevated. Life and literature have elevated that romantic emotion to sacred divinity. Poets all over the world have sung about the rarefied emotions that this vibration generates in humanity.
At the ideal height of this
attraction, the nearness of the beloved brings a blissful sleep to the lover,
Mother says. The Rishi loses himself in trance by the touch of inner divinity.
A minor version of that trance is this sleep. When emotions become refined,
they expand so much that the gross physical can no longer be awake or conscious
in the presence of one who loves. Close friendship is known to turn hours into
minutes, offering itself as an illustration of the same principle.
At bottom, this vibration is
triggered by the urge for procreation, sustained by exuberant youthful
energies, and maintained by the aura of romance. The mind's intelligent
endorsement of a basic need acquires the evanescent fringe of idealistic
feeling, which in its first incidence is felt as romance. The one
characteristic of romance is intensity. But by definition, intensity is
short-lived. By their own inherent nature the pristine purity and vitality
refuse to be born a second time. It is often said that the heart opens only
once, like the banana tree which sets fruit only once in its lifetime. An
endless charm is natural to its fleeting character. It is by this device that
the species maintains the urge for its own survival. Man becomes more human by
feeling that eternal charm. The collective charm felt by a single individual
proves to be all-powerful. There is no question of man outgrowing it, however
powerfully he can suppress it or escape it by various devices, religious or
occult.
Writers often talk of two souls in
one body. Sri Aurobindo says the subtle physical can merge with that of the
other person so that one could term it two souls in one body. Theoretically,
two persons can identify themselves at the mental and vital levels, but not
physically except in the man-woman relationship.
When the bodies unite it is the
first stage of union. Vital emotional identification is the second stage. The
realities of married life and the structure of human thinking do not have much
in common so as to lend themselves to identification. The mind is known to have
developed its own unique individuality through its opinion formation, even as
the thumbprint has, unless a person is one who espouses social opinion as his
own. The character of the mind is divisive; its sight is partial and one-sided.
Its opinions are formed on the basis of sensual input. The institution of
marriage rarely rises to the plane of mind. Nothing of its inherent requisites
seems to need the play of mind. Identification on the mental plane is possible
by espousing similar ideas. At that point, the mind moves to its conceptual
capacity, liberating it from the physical mind.
Spiritually, the sages have said
that the last stage of the journey towards the Divine must be done in single
file. Suppose a man rises to those peaks and finds a woman of like temperament
having risen to the same height. In that case their united life can be ideal.
It has so far remained a rarity. That is why the saying, "except in the
pages of fiction, an ideal marriage is not to be found."
Assuming that an ideal marriage does exist, I am sure the world, which
has ostracised saints, prophets, sages and avatars would not spare it that same
attention.
In this article I would like to
consider the role of Mother's Grace in the existing institution of marriage as
it functions. Some of these issues are:
v
What
can Grace do to enrich the harmony of married life?
v
Can
Grace restore harmony between estranged couples?
v
What
is the relation between harmony and other aspects of life, especially wealth?
v
Affluence
sometimes brings disharmony. Should not affluence coming from Grace increase
the harmony in a home?
v
What
is the goal of married life? What is the position of a devotee?
v
Even
if unattainable, what is the height of that goal for devotees?
v
How
far does married life belong to Life? What is its special stamp?
v
Can we
understand a few marriages we know in that light? Will they bear examination?
v
Mothers
says marriage is to be abolished. How can She act in the lives of married
couples?
v
Will
married life help one to reach MOTHER?
Before answering the above
questions, we must consider truisms of life that have a bearing upon them. Most
of them will be self-explanatory and incidentally answer several shades of the
questions raised.
¯
Marriage
is not indispensable, it is dispensable both for spirituality as well as
biological existence.
¯
Most
of the problems of marriage are problems of life.
¯
There
are problems particular to married life. The most significant of them is a
desire to dominate the other person.
¯
Money,
prestige, caste, age, property, borrowing, and lending are all problems of
life. Coming into wedded life, they are considered problems of marriage. In
essence, they are not really so.
¯
Marriage
is a social institution.
¯
The
level of civilisation and culture determines social justice. It also would
determine the justice within wedlock.
¯
Age is
a determinant of obedience or humility.
¯
To
wish that the other should behave as one wants is the root of problems.
¯
To
take the other man's point of view is to be civilised and cultured. It will
reduce problems.
¯
Those
who are unfit to survive in life are also unfit to marry. If such a person
marries and then complains of marital problems, it is really a problem of
someone incapable of survival.
¯
When
people of different levels of culture marry, problems arise. These too are not
problems of marriage, but those arising out of a lack of culture.
¯
The
basis of marriage is the same as the basis of life: health, income, good
habits, etc. Problems arising out of lack in any of these areas cannot become
marriage problems.
¯
The
idea that the spouse should be a good friend or intellectual companion or one
of temperamental compatibility is extraneous to the institution of marriage
which is meant for childbirth and child rearing.
¯
This
idea is no more than seeking social upliftment through marriage, which also is
extraneous to it. All those who seek such goals in marriage are those who are
barking up the wrong tree.
¯
The
above said aims belong to friendship. Friendship is dissoluble. I would say that
just now, all over the West, the institution of marriage has started to give
way and it uses any available social reasoning to achieve this goal.
¯
As the
marriage relationship cannot be easily broken, problems arise.
¯
Freedom
is the basis of harmony. Society denies that freedom in some measure for the
dissolution of marriage. In that measure, problems arise. The same is true when
individual sentiment stands in the way of dissolution. Exploitation of one
person by the other provided by lack of freedom is the genesis of friction.
¯
If
problems of life and problems arising out of temperament or lack of culture are
removed from the basket of marriage problems, very few problems will be left.
¯
Insoluble
tangles in wedded life are mostly what people intentionally create and from
which they draw benefit or satisfaction.
¯
Inter-caste,
inter-religious, inter-racial marriages abound in problems more because of
those differences than out of the inherent nature of marriage.
¯
The
greater the gap in social status between the married couple, the greater is the
disharmony.
¯
This
is excelled by the gap in individual culture.
¯
Either
in the boy or in the girl, unknown traits will inevitably surface after
marriage. Some of these will surprise even the individuals themselves.
¯
One
cannot escape inevitable circumstances. Trying to do so at the expense of
another person by blaming them for the circumstance inevitably creates
problems.
¯
The
basis of any family is the responsibility of earning the income and raising the
children. Shirking basic
responsibilities like these brings in an unbridgeable cleavage.
¯
Often
one uses marriage for social upliftment. Marriage is not meant for that.
Bending the institution of marriage for an extraneous purpose strains it.
¯
An
unloving mother or unaffectionate husband creates problems. They are problems
pertaining to their own nature and character, which will prevail whether they
are married or not. They are not problems generated from marriage.
¯
A girl
from an affluent family suffering in a poor family is a problem of poverty, not
of marriage.
¯
A
stingy boy who does not allow the wife to eat well is a similar problem
¯
As
soon as the mind adores another outside the marriage, the marriage dissolves
psychologically. The social appearances will then be empty.
¯
More
than half the marriages do not have problems. To create problems wantonly is
unpardonable.
¯
Power
corrupts. Marriage is a field of no exception.
¯
When
entire freedom is there, the woman loves the domination of the man.
¯
Mother
says the woman will not be liberated as long as she desires a child and loves
male domination.
¯
Man
loves to submit psychologically to the woman. He cherishes it.
¯
The
Puranas say when the physical demands are not met, man or woman disregards age,
looks, status and everything except the physical need.
¯
The
mind cannot be loyal. Only the soul is capable of that.
¯
Romance
is of great intensity, rather of greatest intensity. Hence it will be
short-lived.
¯
Romance
in great literature ends in tragedy.
¯
Force
and intensity belong to youth. Even as youth is transitory, romance of youth
too is transitory.
¯
Nothing
is so close to the male heart in sweetness as a woman.
¯
He who
loses himself in love will find it is endless. It is oblivious too.
¯
Fairness
and liking are opposites. Fairness cannot entertain likes. Liking cannot be
fair-minded.
¯
The
mind seeks attraction; it seeks it in spite of all its obscurities or
absurdities. Mind does not seek culture; only the soul is capable of it.
¯
Our
acts can be pure, not our inner feelings.
¯
Our
depths enjoy both good and bad. They do not seek purity.
¯
He who
seeks purity of emotions is one who neither understands purity or the depths of
human personality.
¯
Society
accepts appearances and their brilliance.
¯
Man
has extolled caste, adored money, and cherished power. He has never cherished
purity like that.
¯
What
is true for the world is the successful lie.
¯
Chastity
can force Time to halt. (Nalayini, the chaste wife of a rishi, ordered the sun
to postpone its setting to save her husband).
¯
A
chaste, devoted woman can call the Supreme without doing tapas or yoga.
[Anusuya called the Supreme to convert Shiva, Vishnu, and Brahma into babies
when they ordered her to serve them food naked.]
¯
The
Lord of Death bows before the power of chastity.
¯
Chastity
is a condition of mind. What the society approves is not that.
¯
The
course of civilisation will thrive as long as it is in tune with Nature.
¯
Mostly
the effort of civilisation runs counter to Nature. It is often the opposite.
¯
Sometimes
the ways of society start in tune with Nature and then deviate. At that point
decay sets in. Marriage is one such.
¯
The
nomad sought settlements, agriculture, and community. The family was the unit
of that community. Marriage was its essence.
¯
Agriculture
gave way to industry. The joint family that was necessary for agriculture began
to crack. The community it fostered disappeared. With that, marriage -- which
was the seed of all that -- lost its significance. Marriage has no future.
¯
Mother
says there will be no private property in one hundred years.
¯
Chastity
gives life to marriage. All over the world the woman was expected to be chaste.
There is no word in any language for male chastity.
¯
Property
was at the root of chastity.
¯
No man
would like to give his property to a child born of another man. Hence the woman
won her husband's property for her children by being chaste, thus proving that
the children were his own.
¯
Property,
which is the foundation of chastity, will go. Then marriage that was fostered by
chastity too will go.
¯
Mother
is an iconoclast. Pioneering ideas will help Mother's action.
¯
From a
social being man has to become an individual. In future, he has to become a
soul.
¯
For
the social being, it is progress to become an individual.
¯
Man
becoming an individual will make marriage a success.
¯
Should
man be acceptable to himself he must be conscientious. At least he must be a
good man.
¯
One
who is good according to his own lights, may be good or bad, but it is enough
to make marriage a success.
¯
The
marriage of a good man of goodwill will become a spring of sweetness by
Mother's touch.
¯
The
very first condition for being a good man is he should be aware of all his
defects.
¯
It is
difficult to erase all the defects at once. At least he must come forward not to
insist on his defects. In action, he must strain to act in an opposite manner
to such traits.
¯
As he
does not insist on his own defects, he should refuse to see the defects of
others.
¯
It is
necessary to relate only to the other man's good points so that he would not be
adversely affected by their defects.
¯
We
should accept others even as we accept ourselves. The husband must accept his
wife like that.
¯
That
is a condition conducive to harmony.
¯
Harmony
is the basis of affluence.
¯
If
this one idea about harmony is appreciated and the spouse accepts it, he can
foster harmony by using the flower "Harmony". For him no prayer is
necessary to become an ideal couple. The surface mind and social appearance
will be bright or even brilliant. Deep down the mind will remain as before. As
the domain of crossing the mind belongs to yoga, it is left untouched.
¯
He who
seeks to benefit from these ideas must be one free of the vitiating aspects of
temperament.
¯
Falsehood,
theft, cheating, tricks, deception etc. are the low aspects of life from which
the devotee should be free.
¯
He who
claims that he speaks no lie is one who cannot distinguish between lie and
truth.
¯
To
seek social acceptance, these are essential to some extent.
¯
Only
he who disregards the society mentally can give up these false aspects. Without
acquiescing in them to some extent, one cannot survive in the society.
¯
To do
so, one needs strength of mind.
¯
Mother
will give that strength, if only man makes the decision.
¯
Enjoyment
is accomplishment.
¯
Life
can be enjoyed either way, high or low.
¯
He who
greatly enjoys marriage will accomplish much in life.
¯
He who
seeks accomplishment in marriage must accomplish in life.
¯
Accomplishment
increases with increasing freedom.
¯
To
extend freedom to others will enhance one's own accomplishment.
¯
He who
receives freedom will destroy the giver.
¯
To
give maximum freedom to the spouse within his own limits will accomplish most
in life as well as in marriage.
¯
Marriage
will be a success if you do not recognise the defects of the spouse.
¯
A
silly, shabby husband will not appreciate a responsible, noble girl. He will
appreciate only a silly wife.
¯
If
husband and wife are both silly, they will FEEL intimate, though they will often quarrel
hotly. They will be attached to each other.
¯
For
silly couples, the ideal of frankness will land them in trouble.
¯
It is
not necessary to be good or noble in order to be an intimate couple. It is
enough one is affectionate. Other things are immaterial.
¯
The
basic relationship between husband and wife is rivalry.
¯
One
important contention is the status of respective families. Each considers his
own family higher which is the source of friction.
¯
To try
and prove that one has condescended in marrying is the beginning of the end.
¯
One
confides in the other in moments of frankness. To later quote that information
against him in a moment of bitterness creates a cleavage in the sensation of
trust. That never heals.
¯
"The
wife should listen to me," "The husband disregards my
advice." Neither is right. What is
right is rational, sweet, good behaviour, not who should listen to whom.
¯
Suspicion
of any description is inimical to married life.
¯
Suspicion
arises mostly from one's own defects.
¯
When
there is no ground for suspicion, to behave so as to raise a suspicion is
ignorance. Once it rears its head, it is in nobody's hands to get the better of
it.
¯
Bad
mothers often mischievously instruct good girls. Nice boys are forced to act
rudely by violent fathers. Those who refuse to do wrong will not entertain ill
advice.
¯
Charming
males are sought after by numberless girls. She who marries a charming man
finds herself in a trap and a ruin. Girls of queenly bearing have long lines of
doting admirers. He who marries such a girl finds life like a funeral ceremony
eternally attached to his life. Unseen traits surface after marriage. Often
they are unseen by dotage. Rarely is the individual himself unaware of the turn
for the worse.
¯
During
the days of feminine slavery, there were women who had their husbands under
their thumb. In these days of feminine intransigence and hegemony there are
tyrannical husbands worshipped by the wives. This is so because human nature
gets the better of the prevailing social atmosphere.
¯
Long
bitter spells come to stay in married life. Even these crises of several
descriptions -- danger to life or property or honour -- make the man realise
that his only real support is his wife. The woman too experiences that. It is
better that both hold that truth before them as a reminder during normal life.
¯
It is
good to keep the distinction between the flowering of emotions and the pressure
of sensation.
¯
It is
good that one does not reveal his shortcomings to another. One expects the
other to adore him in spite of his deficiencies. One expects that the other
should adore her defects as endowments. To entertain a complaint that her own
values are unappreciated is not to know married life. Separation brings about
that recognition.
¯
Human
sympathy and altruism tend to offer a lost life to another in an impulse of
generosity. Invalids, deserted people, people ill used by others rarely receive
such offers. It is good that he who makes such offers knows that the one and
only motive the other person has is to ruin his life.
¯
There
are doting wives or husbands oblivious in their adoration. Those emotions do not
issue out of appreciation of the other's higher values. Their base is some very
silly sensations.
¯
Married
life is a part of family and community life. If it is to be sweet, that
sweetness must be there either in the community or family. What is not there in
the wider unit can never be witnessed in the smaller unit.
¯
Mother
says the capacity to rule the country or manage the house is the same.
¯
Events
are a mixture of good and bad. The boss of the situation, viz. the individual,
should be able to tilt the equilibrium in favour of the good if life is to be
smooth.
¯
The
crude, rough man will express even love crudely.
¯
Only
perfect people can aspire for a perfect life. The highest that low people can
aspire for is harmony.
¯
Kings
in Andhra State in India were known as children of their mother, because the
only identifiable parent was the mother.
¯
The
woman is an unpaid servant. The man is an earning male.
¯
Life
is mostly simple in its texture. It is cloistered virtue that gives married
life happiness.
¯
To
some extent, one can have a life of wonder. The marvel can sustain itself even
in spite of the other's defects. To be able to raise the emotions and values of
another is an illusion.
¯
Honesty,
loyalty, truthfulness, integrity, gratitude, friendship are high enduring
values. Chastity is one such value, much more potent and powerful. It can
overcome Time, dissolve karma when it reaches its height.
¯
The
fisherwoman sits in all night prayer when her husband goes fishing in the sea
for days. Her prayer saves his life. This is an axiom in that community. Therefore,
they are honest in other walks of life too, in order to preserve that power of
prayer.
¯
The
son who is named after the father is now entitled in certain countries to
choose the mother's name as well.
¯
Some
countries have removed the legal bar over illegitimate children.
¯
Without
either trust or superstitious faith in another, marriage will not survive
psychologically.
¯
The
wise minister of Emperor Akbar proved that all men listen to their wives. [Akbar
called the male population to collect in two groups before the palace, those
who listen to their wives, and those who refuse to listen. Only one man was
found in the second group. On enquiry it was found that he was standing there
because his wife had instructed him to shun the crowd.]
¯
In an
Arab country there is a well of fame. He who drinks the water from the well
first after the wedding will rule over the other. Couples race to that well
after their wedding, says a fable.
¯
To try
and fulfil in married life what has remained unfulfilled until then is a human
aspiration. "All my life I waited for a soul-mate. But even she has let me
down," is an oft heard complaint. Thus, people wish their unjust ambitions
to be fulfilled in married life. It is a dangerous seed.
¯
Meeting
after a long interval, the spouse may not immediately offer a welcome. After a
while the husband and wife talk. Even when they part, they silently take leave
of each other a few hours before actual departure. The hearty welcome or happy goodbye
is unknown to them. This is an animal behaviour, lingering in man. Those who
are familiar with animals know this.
¯
A selfish
husband’s first thought in a crisis is to run away from the family regardless
of the children or his age.
¯
When
the husband is broke, it is not uncommon for the wife to wish to give him up.
The long years of sweetness and their sentiment suddenly disappear at the touch
of life's realities.
¯
A man
returned to his deserted wife after thirty years. She was proud of serving him
in that old age of need.
¯
A
woman eloped with someone else. The man ran after her, begged her to come back,
prostrated before her to return home. When she did return, he was the happiest
of men.
¯
What
is right and what is wrong is not the question. Need, convenience, enjoyment
are the standards of human justice.
¯
Imposing
anything on the other person, however good it is (even Mother) will be
infructuous.
¯
All
surface troubles issue out of temper. Deep-seated conflicts are generated by
character. They are two versions of selfishness.
¯
The
Vedas speak of evil women who do harm to their lords and says Brahman achieves
even in their lives at the end.
¯
Children
swallow all the lies issuing out of the mother's mouth as long as it does not
touch their personalities. That place is taken by the wife after marriage.
¯
One
out of ten people have felt life was scorched on the day of their wedding.
¯
It is
meanness that one seeks prestige at the expense of another's defects, real or
imaginary. Some wait for the wedding to proudly disclose their defects, saying
they have cheated the other person.
¯
Loving
couples and their intimacy are often an eyesore for others.
¯
Man
changes radically when the basis is threatened. Instead of one changing his
attitude when his property, position or honour is threatened, he should come
forward to change out of understanding.
¯
The
second wife wanted to visit the husband. The first wife threatened to commit
suicide if she was allowed. Later the second wife became the Chief Minister and
celebrated a marriage. The first wife was one of her honoured guests at the
wedding! It is better to remember this truth of power in married life.
¯
A man
gathered the population to help him drive a friend out of town. Later that
friend became rich and came back to the town to visit his former boss. This
man, who was an employee in that company, walked a long distance out of respect
to give a farewell to his erstwhile friend! That is man in his depths.
¯
As the
woman's entire life depends on one man, man's capacity to become autocratic is
endless.
¯
A
child was born blind. The family heckled him and drove him out. He went out
into the world, sought God and became a realised soul. The family sought him
out, hugged him, and showered affection on him.
¯
Mother's
Grace changes the hearts of people who drive their own people out. Faith in
Mother changes their hearts before they can drive them out.
¯
The
abuses of a concubine, a rich man or a celebrity do not hurt. Man is even proud
of them. When the abuse comes back to his memory, it is sweet.
¯
It is
never difficult for man to change. When the right occasion presents itself, he
readily changes. Instead, Mother invites him to change through comprehension.
¯
The
experience in India is that people are cunning, crafty, unreliable, mean,
treacherous, shameless, and petty. A girl who went to Canada found people there
the opposite. External good behaviour attracts Grace. It is better man is
innately good for marriage to become a success.
¯
The
first level of family = the socially approved one.
The second level
of family = happy family based on goodness.
Final level of
goodness = to rise above human
goodness to Divine Goodness.
¯
The
first daughter-in-law happened to be an angel in behaviour. The mother-in-law
knew that the second daughter-in-law might change the first one after she came.
She decided against the marriage of her second son in order to preserve her
domestic happiness!
¯
Marriage
is a good instrument for raising intimacy to identification. But that
opportunity is used to seek greater identification through quarrels.
¯
An
impertinent girl decided to behave. She was mistaken to be an angel. The whole
family doted on her and adored her. That is the power of behaviour.
¯
Marriage
dissolves the moment the heart's adoration strays away from the spouse.
¯
Man
can submit or dominate. He cannot treat another as an equal. That requires
generosity and magnanimity.
¯
Without
man dominating the wife there is no married life. The woman respects the man in
proportion to his capacity to dominate. She seeks it only for that enjoyment.
Henpecked husbands cannot hope to be popular with their wives even in future.
The man dominates physically and compensates for that by submitting
psychologically to his wife. In a marriage domination must continue, but the
motive for dominating can be raised to one of love.
¯
Domination
deteriorating into mean tyranny degenerates. To submit out of love and to take
liberties makes marriage alive.
¯
All
conflicts lend themselves to rational solutions. Experience helps. Knowledge of
literature softens the mind. Beyond all these, the touch of Mother wipes out
all conflicts the moment one calls Her.
All problems in marriage arise out
of the attitude of taking undue advantage over another. To tyrannise
over the helpless was the rule of man and it still continues to be so. The
victims have changed, not the victimisation. Earlier the victims were workers,
daughters-in-law, pupils, laity, and the population. Now it is the turn of
management, mothers-in-law, teachers, the clergy and the rulers who are
harassed by an intransigent public.
What should be abolished is the
capacity to victimise.
Whatever the problems of marriage at
whatever age, if one comes forward to accept Mother, to give up unfair
attitudes, petty meanness, etc., the harmony in married life will rise one
level.
Mother offers to MAN what exists
only in fiction, not in life.
To receive it, MAN must acquire an
attitude that life does not have today.